It's a Long Road (But I Have You By My Side)
by DoctorRobbinsTorres
Summary: The road to recovery is a long one, plagued with phantom pain Arizana finds herself overwhelmed but never alone.


**Prompt: Arizona suffering from phantom limb pain and Callie helping her**

**Written By: Maisie **

* * *

At first it was just a light tingling and you thought nothing of it. More accurately you ignored it because hello, this was your first surgery after almost four months of being at home, and at the psychologist, and handing off your surgery's to Karev and practicing in the skills lab until you actually couldn't stand anymore. So even though Callie had told you over and over again that if you felt anything strange you should stop, you ignored her advice and the tingling.

For a few hours it was worth it, finishing that last suture, watching the patient get wheeled back into his room, going out and telling the parents that their seven-year-old son's surgery was a success, even filling out the post-ops had brought some level of pleasure to you. But then, as you browsed your other patients and prepared to do rounds, the tingling changed. It wasn't a tingling anymore but rather it felt like your leg was on fire. Except you didn't have a leg.

Sure, you had _a _leg, but that was it. The other, thing, was an infuriating prosthetic that had taken far too long to get used to and even longer to be able to stand for any respectable amount of time with. But this, (and you had recognized the symptoms right away), this phantom pain was mind numbing.

You thought that six months out from surgery you'd managed to get away with only minor tingling from phantom pain. You'd thought that you'd be able to live with the awkward sensation of still having a leg when what was really there was a clunky, metal prosthetic. You'd thought that _maybe _some part of this twist situation would go your way. Apparently your luck only extended as far as keeping you alive.

Walking, limping, dragging yourself to the nearest on call room, you all but ripped off the prosthetic and collapsed down onto one of the beds. Sitting at the edge of the bed you cast your memory back and tried to remember what your physical therapist said about easing phantom pain. It had been one of the first things you'd talked about with him, how often did you experience it? (at least five days a week) On a scale of 1-10 how bad did it get? (never above a four) Well just in case it does get worse, here's what can make it better (heat pack, massaging the area of amputation or electrical nerve stimulation, and no it's not as painful as it sounds)

It felt like you were back under the plane, part of your body being crushed by a hunk of twisted metal. For a moment you were ripping your pants open and staring at the pink white you're your femur. For a moment you were back in the woods, the smell of burning life around you and the hopelessness of people you've known for years dying intoxicates you. Moments turned into seconds, seconds in to more and more and the pain was excruciating, it was all you could do not to scream. But finally, when your nerves realized your bone was no longer connected to the rest of itself, the pain doubled, tripled and—

"_Arizona listen to me." _

Somewhere, beyond the darkness of the woods and away from the cold metal of the plane you were leaning against you heard Callie's voice _"Arizona please you have to listen to me you are fine. You are okay, you are-" _her voice was suddenly louder as you gasped out of the flashback "at Seattle Grace. I'm here. I'm here." And then that was all she could say.

I'm here.

I'm here.

She was here. The pain was here. Still here. But you could feel Callie, feel her next to you, feel her arm wrapped around your waist, holding you up or maybe holding you too her. You heard her shout at someone, some people, that everything was fine, that there was nothing to see and if they wanted to be helpful they should get an electro-stimulation machine. You heard the door shut and you opened your eyes.

"It hurts Calliope." You ground out, an admission that you wouldn't have made to her three months ago, maybe three weeks or three days ago even, but now, in this moment, the words fell easily from your lips "It hurts and it's not even there."

"I know." She says, her voice low, and you feel her move away from you so that you're leaning against the frame of the bed. The cool frame that feels much too like the side of a plane and in the panic that starts to strangle you she holds your hand "Look at me Arizona."

Your eyes are screwed up in pain, your chest is still tight, the only thing keeping you here is her hand in yours, and the other resting on your shoulder "Open your eyes."

They flutter open and are immediately caught by Callie's smile, the gentle smile that reassures you even when it's not meant for you (the ones that are meant specifically for you make your stomach flip). She moves her hand from your shoulder to the leg of your pants and starts to roll them up "Take them off." you whisper and she casts you a glance and a smirk, you smack her lightly "Not like that." You chastise.

She shrugs, holding your hand tighter as the pair of you work your pants off. Now that it's out there, exposed to the cool air and for the whole world, for Callie to see, you can't look down. You lock your jaw, close your eyes and grit your teeth as she starts to gentle massage the surgery site "Can you look at me?" she asks, her fingers still moving slowly and deliberately across your skin, watching your face as she reads your pain.

You don't say anything.

It's ugly. You're ugly and she, she is still so breathtakingly beautiful that you're sure you don't deserve to be with someone as gorgeous as Calliope anymore. Not with your useless chunk of leg that betrays you even in the moments that make you happiest.

There's a knock on the door and you open your eyes, scrambling for a blanket, a sheet, anything to cover your almost nakedness. However Callie is already ahead of you, her white lab coat covering your torso and you don't miss the way she's standing in front of you, blocking you from whoever was at the door.

Turns out its Karev with the stim machine and Callie lets him plug it into the all before shooing him away "How's the pain?" she asks as she takes out two sticky pads and brings them over to you.

"Bad." You say, still not looking at her, or your leg.

You feel her sit back down on the bed and take both of your hands in her own "Can you please look at me Arizona."

There's a level of pleading in your voice that you're ashamedly used to these days. The tinge of hopelessness that reminds just how hard she's trying and just how much you've pushed her away, you open your eyes for a second time and she holds your gaze.

"I am not ashamed of you. I don't think you are any less beautiful because of what you're missing. I think that you are still the amazingly talented surgeon and the most stunning woman I have ever seen." Her eyes are bright in the half light of the on call room and you hear the way her voice breaks on the word stunning "And I love you, I promised to love you for better or worse, through sickness and in health and I-I" she's trembling and takes a long breath, controlling herself "I just want you to see how beautiful you are. Because that crash, it tore you apart but it's made you stronger. You may not believe it, you may think I'm full of crap, but Arizona, I'm telling you the truth." She lets out a long breath, grabbing the electrodes and sticking them strategically onto her leg "And we're going to sit here for fifteen minutes and just be us." She says, flipping a couple of switches and looking at you "Tell me when you feel it."

You nod after a few seconds, she presses a button and you see a timer light up on the screen. She switches the screen so it shows the pulsating of the electrodes that are supposed to sooth your pain "You don't have to stay." You say suddenly, as she moves to sit back on the bed "You have surgeries and post ops and-"

"And I have interns for those and my surgeries can wait." She says, moving in behind you so that you back rests against her chest and her arms wrap around your waist, entangling with your fingers "Right now I'm going to sit with my wife because she's in pain and being here for you is a more important then being a doctor. It beats my PhD every single time."

You relax into her, smiling as you feel her chin rest against the curve of your neck and letting out a long sigh "I'm sorry." You say finally, breaking the comfortable silence.

"It's okay." She says, even though you both know it's not.

"No" you say "It's not Calliope, you know it and I know it. I treated you how I should never treat anyone, let alone my wife. And you should have left, but you didn't. You stayed, even though I made you sleep on the couch for months and couldn't help take care of Sofia and did nothing but glare at you and ignore you. You should have left" you repeated "and it amazes me everyday that you stuck through all of it. That you still let me hold Sofia after everything, because if I, if I had been treated how I treated you, I don't know if would ever let that person near my kid ever again."

The electricity pulsating through your leg is calming your pain, easing it, as one of Callie's hands begins to massage the area.

"I married you." Callie says, like that's the end of the conversation "I love you and Sofia's not just my daughter, she's our daughter and I would never, ever take her away from you Arizona." She pauses to give your hand a long squeeze "We're through the worst of it okay? You're working again, you're doing life saving surgeries on tiny humans and you're happy. And that's all I've ever wanted for you. I just want to see you smile."

Her words, their meaning, and the honesty in everything she's ever done for you all hits you like a truck and leaves you speechless for a long few moments "I love you." You say all at once, twisting in her arms to look at her.

She twists her head and kisses you, kisses you in a way that tells you _I've waited so long to hear you say those words again_ and _I'm not leaving you, I never wanted to leave you, all I want is you_.

The machine beeps and you feel the dull tingling in the leg that's never there return, but it's just that, dull. The science helped and the science will help again, but more importantly, most importantly is the fact that Callie helped and you let her help. You let her help you in more ways than just her PhD allows her. For the first time since the accident you let her be your wife, you let her be what she's been trying to be and what she refused to stop being.

Someone's pager beeps into the silence.

"It's yours." Callie says, reaching for it and a moment later hers goes off "It's the same call." She says "ER, car accident, nine year old twins." Both of you are moving before she's done talking, Callie moving the wires of the stim machine out of the way and putting the electrodes back while you grab your prosthesis and work on putting it back on.

She hesitates at the door "You want me to wait?" she asks

"I got this." You say, easing the straps on and adjusting them "I'll be right behind you." She looks at you for a moment longer "Calliope go!" you urge, if mistreating her for so long has taught you anything it's how to put on your prosthesis alone.

"Fine." She says and there's that glint in her eyes that she gets when she knows there's going to be a surgery involved in her afternoon and as you stand up (no longer needing to hold onto anything to do so), you feel the same excited apprehension flood through you.

It's been too long since you felt that rush of nerves and adrenaline, but then again it's been longer still since you've seen Calliope that happy.


End file.
